NEWS

image of phallic galaxy

Astronomers Discover Extremely Graphic Galaxy

see SCIENCE page 7D

image of slumber party

Third-Grade Slumber Party A Snakepit Of Machiavellian Alliances

see ENTERTAINMENT page 3B

Foreign-Policy Mistake Blows Up in Soldier's Face

see INTERNATIONAL page 6C

Pop & Pop Shop Boycotted

see LIFESTYLES page 4E

Item Found In Garbage To Be Turned Into Lamp Someday

see LOCAL page 5A

Schwarzenegger Elected First Horseman Of The Apocalypse

see GOVERNMENT page 2B

Woman With Amazing Rack Told She Has Beautiful Eyes

see LOCAL page 5C

michael jackson and a giraffe

Michael Jackson Hires Magical Anthropomorphic Giraffe As Defense Lawyer

see INTERNATIONAL page 6B

Christmas Brought to Iraq By Force

see INTERNATIONAL page 6E

Elijah Woods, Kurt Russell and Paul Chadwick: Underrated

see UNDERRATED page 14

skywriter writes marry me

Skywriter Trailed By Skyeditor

see LOCAL page 5B

discussion forum

VOLUME 33 ISSUE 13     AMERICA"S FINEST NEWS SOURCE™                                   9–15 NOVEMBER 2006

Sexual Tension Unbearable
Between 15-Year-Old, Rest of World

photo of 15 year old Ness

MELBOURNE, FL—Palm Bay High School freshman Keith Ness said the overwhelming sexual tension he experiences daily between himself and roughly 3.65 billion other people on earth has become "almost more than [he] can handle." Ness says he experiences "powerful, electric" sexual energy from almost exactly half the people he encounters. "At first, I didn't even take much notice of the world around me," said the 15-year-old of the charged but nebulous relationship he has enduredwith a majority of the human population. "But then, I found myself staring at the sexy way everyone walked down the hall, jogged in the park, or sat down at the bus stop. Something about that blond, brown, or red hair tied back, pinned up, or dreadlocked, really gets me going." "It's driving me crazy having to sit here while the world tempts me in those formfitting, playfully conservative, or woolen, shapeless outfits—I can't take much more of this," Ness added. Though Ness said he would like to think the world is at least in some way aware of how he feels, he at times despairs that it is oblivious to his desires. "It's so hard to concentrate on my social studies homework sometimes, when all I can do is wonder if the librarian with the noisy high heels even knows I exist," Ness said. "Same goes for the silhouette of that girl dancing in the iPod commercial, and whoever it is who keeps clearing her throat in one of the back pews at church. But then again, you don't just go around smelling like lilacs, moisturizer, Chanel No. 5, or the slightest hint of perspiration masked by baby powder for no reason." Ness further speculated that the aloof cashier, the seemingly indifferent parking attendant, and the cruel senior volleyball-team captain were probably just having a bad day. Still, Ness maintained that he is always on the lookout for signs of interest, and claimed he was determined make his feelings public. "I have no idea where to start, but there's so much about the rest of the world I'd like to get to know better," Ness said. "I think about it every time I see the world's blue gym shorts with white piping, the belly-dancing aerobic exercise videos, the curvy shape of the lower back on the diagram of the human body in my biology textbook, or contemplate the concept of 'fishnet.'" "God, there's just so much," he added. According to Ness, the situation has been further confused by the feelings he has for much of the inanimate world, including the family lawn mower, which he associates with watching his neighbor Tina sunbathe on a large yellow beach chair while he cut the grass last August; an old dryer outside a neighbor's home, which reminds him of a story he heard at camp about people making out in a laundry room; and posters of the cast of the television program Lost, which he associates with the cast of Lost. "How am I supposed to live in the same house as the Sunday newspaper considering my undying but unexpressed love for the underwear ads?" Ness said. The teenager has also expressed concern that his intentions toward his mother's friends, the mail carrier, schoolmate Brian Graney's cousin who visited from Iowa last spring, Natalie Portman, Florida congresswoman Katherine Harris, R&B singer Kelis, and several fictional comic-book heroines, will somehow be misinterpreted. "I'd hate for the world to think I'm some kind of creep," he said. "I just happen to be very, very interested." Ness explained that he has recently been frustrated by the way the world casts sultry glances at him, coyly does not look at him at all, and walks toward or away from him seductively. "What more can I do?" he said. "It doesn't matter to me if the world is a little overweight or much, much older, or taller, or a different race, or simply lives thousands of miles away.We just need to admit that there's something between us, and that we'd all regret it if we let it pass us by." Frustrated by the situation, Ness said he was gearing up to broach the subject of his desires in algebra class, at an upcoming walk for hunger, in the produce aisle, ordering Chinese food, or on a message board for home-schooled Christian teens, by writing a heartfelt poem, buying tickets to a romantic movie, sending flowers, playfully tossing crumpled-up balls of paper, telling a mutual friend how he feels, or quietly willing it to happen, either later today, tomorrow, Wednesday afternoon, Saturday morning, next Friday, right after Thanksgiving dinner, early next month, certainly before the new year, or whenever he feels ready.

see SEXUAL TENSION page 8

Study: Alligators Dangerous No Matter How Drunk You Are

BATON ROUGE, LA—In a breakthrough study that contradicts decades of understanding about the nature of alligator–drunkard relations, Louisiana State University researchers have concluded that people's drunkenness does not impair the ancient reptiles' ability to inflict enormous physical harm. Alligators exhibit the potential to inflict serious harm, regardless of the blood-alcohol levels of their victims. "Our data strongly indicates that human intoxication does not transform an alligator into a docile creature that enjoys wrestling," said professor Ryder McCrory, chair of the Wildlife Taunting Department of LSU's prestigious Center For Bullying And Hazing Studies. "Despite its slow-witted demeanor and tendency to bask motionlessly in the hot sun, it's a mistake to believe that an alligator will passively tolerate a half nelson, no matter how much Southern Comfort is fueling it." McCrory said the study yielded statistics that speak for themselves. "In 10 out of 10 documented cases of violent alligator–drunkard encounters, the reptile was not influenced by the fact that the victim was 'just kidding' or 'just having some fun,'" McCrory said. To an alligator, McCrory explained, a human forearm, even drunkenly dangled between the creature's casually opened jaws, still appears to be prey. In field experiments, members of the control group performed no better-—and often far worse—than their sober counterparts in defending themselves against a 300-pound, seven-foot bull alligator. Even when armed with an empty tequila bottle. "At best, the bottles bounced harmlessly off the alligator's snout," said LSU research assistant Tracy Sawyer. When placed in water, the drunken volunteers fared even worse, and the alligator markedly better, Sawyer said. In addition, the alligators far outperformed their inebriated human counterparts in the following areas: lunging, biting, crushing, dismembering, and swallowing. Enlarge Image Drunkard Jim Boudreaux taunts the alligator he called "a total pussy" in front of friends. According to the study, an alligator's characteristic grin should not be interpreted as a lighthearted reaction to the outrageous nerve of an alcohol-addled human. "Don't let an alligator's easygoing appearance fool you," Sawyer said. "These creatures have no empathy for drunken pranksters looking for fun. They are not black bears." McCrory recommended that alligator wrestling be undertaken solely by professionals, specifically roadside-attraction proprietors. For drunkards interested in proving their mettle with alligators, the researchers proposed these guidelines: Instead of baiting an alligator, seek another form of drunken recreation, such as attending a strip club, burning a pile of tires, or painting one's buttocks with a funny face and videotaping it. Sick or infant deer are considered a far safer match for most inebriated humans; kicking a raccoon or squirrel already dying by the side of the road is also recommended. Experts suggest that those who become aggressive after consuming alcohol would be safer channeling that energy into more constructive behavior, such as calling an ex-lover. And McCrory warned drunkards who "absolutely must assault an alligator while inebriated" to first make sure it is not a John Deere Gator cargo utility vehicle. This oversight "is a common occurrence," he said.

see ALLIGATORS page 11